Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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