I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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