YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
