i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize