evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
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