is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
