I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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