good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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