Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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