rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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