some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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