Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
