I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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