Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
