Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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