lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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