I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Everyone says I win the strip club
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Randomize
