Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
