after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
