Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
