then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
