Where did you get a picture of my penis
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
