Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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