The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
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