i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
i think im in europe. pls send help
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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