They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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