I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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