At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize