remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
