Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
