Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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