Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
