In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
