she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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