I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize