I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
