Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
