Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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