just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
