Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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