I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
