thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Randomize
