sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
