I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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