to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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