So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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