I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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