So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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