my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
