Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
