Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
