I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Randomize
