my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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