So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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