I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
