i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Randomize
