so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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