on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Randomize
