My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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