On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
