I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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