Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
