my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
