at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
