this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
