You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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