I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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