The maid of honor just puked.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
