I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
