your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
