I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
This is the high leading the old right now
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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