Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Green mimosas i think yes
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
