Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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