i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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