I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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