my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
