Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
i think my cat just said my name.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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