with your own penis?
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
It's never too late to be topless.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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