I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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