i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
