i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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