Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I need to calm my uterus...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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