First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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